Bad tempers and scars.
This is such an odd, odd time in my life. But, people don’t stop telling me, “This should be the best time of your life! You should be having so much fun! When I was your age…” And then they go on talking about the great plans they had with friends and the adventure and the fun.
They must not be introverts that struggle with the concept of a social life.
I’ve been home a week 2 days and I’m already frustrated and confused. To no surprise, this always happens, of course. It is still just as frustrating every single time it comes around, though.
I said to my mom tonight, “I don’t understand how to live,” to which she promptly responded, “It’s because you make it too complicated,” completely unaware of the fact that it was a desperate plea for help, not a statement asking for the ultimate answer of reason. I seriously do need help. I guess she wasn’t in the right mood. She gives me far too much credit for the way I live. We’re all struggling more than anyone realizes.
Not that I am discrediting what I have done and what I continue to do and how I live. I have accomplished a lot. But, I’m struggling and all I could use is some guidance. I try to ask for help, but can’t explain well enough why I need it, and it just makes matters worse and I end up more confused than when I started. I won’t deny that I do make life too complicated, though. But, how do I not? How do I find balance in life?
When you’re 10, you think for SURE by the time you’re in you’re 20s that you’ll totally have life figured out, only to get to your 20s are just begin to understand how to live. Although, I’m sure a lot of people have a lot more figured out than I do.
I only just scratched the surface in explaining to my mom the way I’ve been feeling lately. What’s incredible irritating about trying to talk to her, is she assumes I’m totally fine and why on earth would I even be having trouble, so she sort of brushes off all the things I’m saying, leaving me feeling completely invalidated and further confused about how I feel. In leu of making life too complicated, I question everything I do in life. I question if I’m doing things the correct way. Am I “allowed” to be feeling this certain way at this certain time based on this certain thing? What’s the “right” response in this situation? It’s all so ridiculous.
I told my mom I should start going to therapy again, but she again was quite confused at why I would even considering needed it, aren’t I totally fine?
I’m fine.*
I just don’t know how to comprehend, organize, compartmentalize, interpret, etc what’s going on in my head and in the world around me.
I need to clean my room. The mess is taking over the productivity center in my brain. I can’t think. I get annoyed when I come in my room.
Why am I never settled? I’m happy to be out of school for more than a week because my mental health suffered considerably after being in school for essentially 10 months straight, but I’m home now and going crazy at the fact that I’m losing control over my life (as diagnosed by the state of my bedroom) and just want to get back into the swing of things. I’m all about “being happy in the now”, but I’ve found myself to be quite the hypocrite, apparently. I haven’t practiced in two weeks. Crap.
Okay. When life starts to spiral out of control, it means I need to readjust, re-perspectivize, reevaluate. Reevaluate the priorities. Am I doing all I that I should be? What am I putting by the wayside that should be the center of my life? What is breaking in the pattern that leads to positive things?
First things first is my room.
Note that I did not say *totally fine.