Worth the risk.

An entire year has passed and I don’t even know how it even happened.

Wait a second. Wasn’t it just January? I was moving into my apartment at Brooklyn, relishing the fact that we only had 4 roommates, and wondering what our first winter semester at school would be like.

Wasn’t it just yesterday my heart got torn out by an inconsiderate young man that didn’t mention the other girl? In which I immediately developed trust issues I didn’t realize would permeate my life for the next 10 months?

Wait, what about my birthday in May? It wasn’t so great, to be honest. But, I ate a cupcake from Cocoa Cocoa Bean and a pint of ice cream. I was sad because my best friend was out of town. But, she gave me a wolf shirt.

Oh, and then there was the rest of spring semester, when I devoted all of my time and energy into school, crying over classes and the fact that I felt so alone, spending the good majority of the semester in my bedroom. Not to mention my brain broke again that semester, too. That was just great.

What about summer? That sure went by fast. Spending my days in the forest, exploring different paths and streams, enjoying the quiet, feeling serene and peaceful. (Oh, and I found out interval training is super fun in the forest, too.)

Fall has come and gone as well? All those nights spent in rehearsal, practicing notes that I never ended up learning, being so exhausted I didn’t know what to do with myself, and continually raging at the fact that 5 ½ years later in college, I was still, still, still doing homework and writing papers.

Oh, and then my life decided to take some mighty big turns. And all of the sudden, I was different. The night I decided to open myself up and actually consider discussing feelings that I had dug so deep I assumed they didn’t exist anymore because I was so numb. And you were so confused. And I was so confused. Yet, the day I started talking, I never stopped talking.

Because there was finally someone there that was listening.
And you never stopped listening.

All of the sudden I found myself surrounded by others, and I go, “Wait a second. What happened to the sad, closed off girl that locked herself in her room?” What happened to her? Wait. A social life? Is that a real thing?

So this is what it’s like to have friends again! I forgot. I got so used to being alone that I literally had to relearn how to live. But, I got some help.

And you kept on listening. And you bought me ice cream when I was sad and let me borrow your hoodie because it was cold and I didn’t have a coat. You sat down next to me at the lockers and told me everything was going to be okay even though I felt my life spiraling out of control and wasn’t even sure how or why. We walked and walked and walked around town until our toes froze. I impulsively drove to Utah to go see the lights with my friends, but really, I just wanted to see you a whole lot. And we stayed up talking until 2 in the morning, and I realized that I was being an idiot.

I still think about that night a lot.

Now, when did I become so sappy? I feel that these posts used to be a lot more serious and cryptic, peering into my soul in a way that, really, no one would understand but me. Now I can’t seem to find a way to be eloquent. It’s part of how I’ve changed, maybe? Or, it could be that it’s 1 in the morning and I can’t see or think straight. (Where are my glasses?)

There is one thing that is constant with these posts. My train of thought is never in one direction. I guess it’s not a train at all.

My life is so different today than it was 12 months ago. Really, my life is so different than it was 2 days ago.

Thanks, 2014. I learned a lot.

But, I’m not saying goodbye just yet. There’s a few days left to learn in this year.