Well, I thought I’d just
I dunno. I wanted to go somewhere to get my thoughts down because writing them on paper was too slow and I’m on my computer more than my journal is opened. I’m not really sure that I’m going 100% digital in my journal writing, but. Well. Here I am anyway.
I’m home again. It doesn’t feel as sour as it normally does because for the first time in 2 years, everyone is home for the summer and that means I’m not going to be alone for once. But, as it always is, coming home clouds my good judgement and I forget for a moment just how far I’ve actually come in life and that the person I was here is not the person I currently am. I’m much better than that.
It’s scary, though. I’ll get lost in an old post on an old blog website and get so engulfed that when I pull myself back to reality I have to remind myself that it’s 2014 and that I’m not currently mad at that person or feeling the way I did then. I have to remind myself it’s 2014 a lot more than you think. But, that’s just my brain for you. It likes to break sometimes.
I have all these dreams and intentions. I have all these ideas and plans. For some reason, I feel like I have more control over my life when I re-arrange the furniture in my room and make it feel like somewhere new. I think that’s really what I need most, though. New. I get so caught up in the current wave of the the way life is right now, assuming it’s going to be my reality for the rest of forever. It’s nice when I realize that’s not how life works, but a little unnerving at the same time.
When I think about dreams, though, it feels really selfish. It’s just more things that are all about me. I mean, you have to be the best you before you help others, though, right? Ignoring yourself long enough in the pursuit of others’ happiness is all grand an honorable for a time, but it can turn really unhealthy really fast. So, to turn this paragraph around, yes. My dreams are selfish, because thinking about me is an okay thing to do. You know what else is okay to do? Asking others for help in the journey to those dreams.
My current dream is all vanity, however. I’d love to have clear skin. For so long, giving up my youth was a tough thing. Not that you have to give up all aspects of your youth, but acne can definitely take a hike. I hide in my t-shirts, converse, and jeans hoping that I can rock it through adulthood, but I know that it’s not the way life is (though, no one can stop me on the weekends). But, I’m becoming increasingly aware of my ever-changing, adult body that is simply not what it was before. My knees are hurting. I’m 23, should my knees be hurting? Anyway, acne is a distraction when I look in the mirror and I’d like to just be able to look past it at what I really look like, because I’m not really sure what I really look like, to be honest. I really don’t.
I’m constantly wondering if I’m doing things “right”. Am I writing this blog post right? Am I making breakfast right? Am I handling this situation right? Oh my gosh, it’s the most exhausting and useless thing ever ever ever EVER. Then the classic, “Who cares, just live!” comes to mind, but it’s not so simple when you’ve come to be so set in your ways for so long. I don’t think we give the mind enough credit, or the power we have over it. I think I’ve gotten myself a little stuck in the whole “am i doing this right?” mindset. Chances are, I’m doing just fine and it doesn’t really matter if I mess up anyway, because mistakes are always fixable. I need to be able to make a mistake. Because, that’s it, isn’t it? I hold myself back in everything (and I mean everything) I do in life because I’m afraid to make a mistake or make a wrong turn. I’m making life boring for myself. Really, that’s what I’m doing. I’m cautiously stepping in the minefield, thinking those mines are lethal, but in all reality, they’re nothing but rope to catch my feet and trip me, and all I have to do is untie it and get back up and keep going. So, the faster I run, the quicker I get away from those little ropes that try to get me, the more exciting it is. Nothing is going to blow me up. Walking slowly and carefully is so so so boring when I could be running and having a good time.
But there’s a common enemy amongst this all that is one of the culprits for my careful walking through this minefield we call life, and that’s fatigue. I’m tired. I can’t seem to catch up. I go nonstop for 10 months and it’s finally my time to relax, and I still can’t seem to catch up on the sleep I’ve been missing out on. Tiredness stops me so easily. I don’t feel like accomplishing those dreams and ideas when all I want to do is lie down because my mind can’t think straight from fatigue. But, when I lie down, all I want to do is get up and do something and be productive and fun. I never can relax. I don’t really know what it means. All I keep thinking lately is how I just need to go lie on a beach somewhere and listen to the tide, and that will for sure make me relax, no doubt. No accessible beaches, however. So I must figure out something here. Which brings me back to re-arranging my room. I can’t relax in a cluttered place. It’s got to change.
I have this weird habit of shrugging my shoulders. All the time. I keep them constantly up and tense until I realize what the heck I’m doing and I let them fall and my body relaxes. I don’t know where this came from. I think it came in attempts to sit or stand up straighter, but it’s just turned into some odd thing that causes me tension and stress. Even now I just let my shoulders down and I feel better. Tension is an enemy of any musician when you’re playing, but I’ve let it leak into my normal life. Tension is sort of the worst thing in the world and is adding to my careful stepping, I think.
I think I’m afraid of doings this the “right” way not only because I don’t want to be wrong, but because I’m afraid of what others will think; that if I do do something wrong, they will think I’m dumb and and will patronize me. Well, that’s stupid. Because who really cares, right? Well, apparently, I do. Too much. I’m still trying to figure out how to get over that one. I’ll let you know how it turns out. But, I’ve figured something out recently. I’ve always felt that I was behind the curve in life, that I had missed something that everyone else knew. I’ve figured out that’s a huge, fat lie and that there’s nothing of the sort. I’m on the same page as everyone else in this journey, even a little ahead than others.
Mmmm. Well. We’ll see how far this blog gets me.