We’ve come all this way.
I often wonder what to do with the memories. And a surprisingly obvious answer came from the mouth of a friend: “Write them down, I guess, then move on.”
I suppose I was in the mindset that such memories are reserved only for once in my life with one specific person, completely negating the reality that much sweeter, much more wonderful memories would be made in the future. “The best is yet to be” has often been the motto convincing my heart that all will be well. It has proven to be fruitful, but when things take a sour turn, I sometimes question its validity, defaulting to the lament, “Things were so much better before… Why is life so hard right now?”
It’s sobering and humbling to think back on all I’ve done and accomplished and overcome in my life. Even just reserving my mission alone holds many accomplishments and over-come trials. What a short-lived experience that was. I find it interesting that after so many years of needing to go, the actual experience lasted but a moment in the expanse of eternity. A speck of sand. But, within that speck of sand was a world’s worth of memories and life-changing experiences. More was packed into that 5 ½ months than my entire 4 years at BYU-Idaho.
I have come so far. And here I am. Living in a situation I thought I had long left behind, feeling very much dependent and powerless, lost in the array of handheld devices and wanderlust. Things are happening. They are. But, there are moments I catch myself idle and ask the frequently repeated question, “When?”
I have a lot of questions.
Where are you?
Where should I be?
What should I do?
What should I be?
Although, I think that last question is easily answered, and I’m regrettably not living up to said answer. Idle hands, distracted mind. Be cautious what you wish for, for when you get it, you may not be ready to receive it and won’t know how to properly deal with it.
It’s odd not having anything to go back to. I always had somewhere to go, something to do, someone to see. And now, I am unattached. I am confused. I have a temporary direction. I don’t know where the road leads afterwards, however. I keep feeling that I’m not supposed to know yet.
Today someone asked me how old I was. I answered. They asked, “How’s that going for you?”
How is 25 going for me?
Well. I’ll tell you that I didn’t think I’d end up where I am right now (in the best sense, with a tinge of bitterness). I guess at the end of the day, I’m still surprised to be looking up at the ceiling from a twin bed, sharing a room with no one.
They say you’re to become your best self in this period of your life. I want to be doing a better job at that. I have all of these plans and all of these ideas and ambitions. I have the answer of what I should be doing, and I just haven’t been doing it.
Thank goodness for repentance (aka change).
I need it.