Six months ago.

It was six months ago that my entire life changed. And it hasn’t stopped changing since.

Funny thing, change. Sometimes it comes at you by surprise and you’re really offended by it. Sometimes, you completely know it’s coming, but you’re still offended by it.

The biggest change of all is about to take place. The most changes of all are coming.

It’s been a journey figuring us out. What we are. What we aren’t. What we’re becoming, if we’re even becoming anything anymore. Or if it matters whether or not we’re becoming anything anymore. I’m not sure what I want you to be to me now.

Yet, at the end of the day, I’m always searching for a thread. A tiny, minuscule thread that continues to ties us together.

I feel different today. It’s almost a numb apathy. It could perhaps be my tired mind, or it could be that I’ve changed. I’ve officially moved on. Something that has...

An entire year has passed and I don’t even know how it even happened.

Wait a second. Wasn’t it just January? I was moving into my apartment at Brooklyn, relishing the fact that we only had 4 roommates, and wondering what our first winter semester at school would be like.

Wasn’t it just yesterday my heart got torn out by an inconsiderate young man that didn’t mention the other girl? In which I immediately developed trust issues I didn’t realize would permeate my life for the next 10 months?

Wait, what about my birthday in May? It wasn’t so great, to be honest. But, I ate a cupcake from Cocoa Cocoa Bean and a pint of ice cream. I was sad because my best friend was out of town. But, she gave me a wolf shirt.

Oh, and then there was the rest of spring semester, when I devoted all of my time and energy into school, crying over classes and the fact that I felt so alone, spending the good...

And just like that, summer has come and gone. The door of sun-kissed skin, late nights, forest adventures, concerts, and movies has come to a close.

I had an amazing summer. I really did. I’m sitting here smiling about all of the exquisite fun I had. I feel rested and happy.

I’m a little sad this door is closing. There are moments I’m not forgetting any time soon. These moments will live in infamy.

I’ll never soon forget the night we screamed at the top of our lungs with every fiber of our being, singing along to the songs we have known so well for so long. The moment it started pouring and pouring, and we were soaked, but didn’t have a care in the world. The moment these songs suddenly came to life and had more meaning than ever before. The moment we screamed, “I don’t care!” and received the greatest pep talk of the century, reminding us to never give up and be our own hero. The...

It’s an exhilarating feeling to re-gain control over your life.

I do this thing where I convince myself that I’m doing just fine and I keep trucking forward, stumbling over the same things over and over and over, but still assure myself, “no, no, I’m good, I’m good!” No. I wasn’t. I needed to face the reality right in front of me that I wasn’t okay and what I was doing wasn’t okay either.

But, sometimes we have to lose our way to find it again. And, sometimes we don’t even realize we’re on the wrong path until finally we hit a wall and go, “Oh”.

Well, I’ve hit my “oh” moment. Finally. It frustrates me sometimes that I don’t notice how foolish and not okay I am being until a while later, but that stems from my need to be perfect and not to make any mistakes. I need to start being okay with the fact that I’m not perfect and that I have a mortal mind that has its weaknesses. It’s OKAY...

It’s a sobering thing to come across old videos of yourself when the biggest stress in your life was the things going on in text conversations and what your hair looked like that day.

And oh how different you looked and how different you acted and how differently you thought about the world. Not to mention you had a slider phone that made a crystal noise when you got a text (I miss that phone).

You were trying to figure out who you were, vigorously living your life through others, letting your every emotion be ruled by a single influence. But, you were definitely carefree. And that’s more than you can say now.

I’m not saying I want to go back and be that 17-year-old girl with the short hair and long bangs in her face. I much prefer the current 23-year-old self who’s nearly attained her college degree in music and never knew she’d spend so many hours of her life playing violin.

I...

Sometimes all you effing need is an effing amazing night out at a kick butt concert to rev you back up into what you want to be.

I have never felt so alive.

This is such an odd, odd time in my life. But, people don’t stop telling me, “This should be the best time of your life! You should be having so much fun! When I was your age…” And then they go on talking about the great plans they had with friends and the adventure and the fun.

They must not be introverts that struggle with the concept of a social life.

I’ve been home a week 2 days and I’m already frustrated and confused. To no surprise, this always happens, of course. It is still just as frustrating every single time it comes around, though.

I said to my mom tonight, “I don’t understand how to live,” to which she promptly responded, “It’s because you make it too complicated,” completely unaware of the fact that it was a desperate plea for help, not a statement asking for the ultimate answer of reason. I seriously do need help. I guess she wasn’t in the right mood. She gives me...

I’ve been hit with a strong, intense dose of reality as of late. I like to pretend. Pretending is easier. But, once in a while, real life breaks back through and I can’t pretend anymore and I’m extremely exposed and scared. I think it’s easier to accept reality in little doses each day instead of having it dumped on you in bulk after having ignored it for a good chunk of time.

Sometimes you suddenly realize you’re not the person you thought you were. You realize that maybe you’re not as strong as you thought, that your defenses were weakened without you even noticing. The monster of pride sneaked up and took hold of your heart before you had the chance to strike back. You forget a lot of things. You forget who you are, even. But, then again, who are you, really?

I once thought that I’d finally figured out exactly who I am. I was confident in that. I was comfortable with my definition...

I dunno. I wanted to go somewhere to get my thoughts down because writing them on paper was too slow and I’m on my computer more than my journal is opened. I’m not really sure that I’m going 100% digital in my journal writing, but. Well. Here I am anyway.

I’m home again. It doesn’t feel as sour as it normally does because for the first time in 2 years, everyone is home for the summer and that means I’m not going to be alone for once. But, as it always is, coming home clouds my good judgement and I forget for a moment just how far I’ve actually come in life and that the person I was here is not the person I currently am. I’m much better than that.

It’s scary, though. I’ll get lost in an old post on an old blog website and get so engulfed that when I pull myself back to reality I have to remind myself that it’s 2014 and that I’m not currently mad at that person or feeling the way I did...